Shark Attack IV: Megalawhat?
by Stossle
Summary: A Torchwood crack fic parody/pastiche of Shark Attack III: Megaladon  staring the fabulous John Barrowman . I love this crazy movie and had to pay it homage. This may not make much sense to anyone who hasn't seen the movie but should still be a fun ride.
1. Chapter One – Skinny Dip

**Shark Attack IV: Megalawhat?**

_Authors Note: A Torchwood crack fic parody/pastiche of Shark Attack III: Megaladon (staring the fabulous John Barrowman). I love this crazy movie and had to pay it homage. This may not make much sense to anyone who hasn't seen the movie but should still be a fun ride._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or Shark Attack. I don't think anyone actually wants to own Shark Attack so it's probably up for grabs, but I'll hand Torchwood back when I'm finished._

**Chapter One – Skinny Dip**

"Jack?"

"Yes Ianto."

"I don't mean to criticize,"

"But?" Jack said watching Ianto screw up his nose, "I know there is always a 'but' attached to that statement."

"It's just, this isn't much of a beach holiday."

"What more could you want Ianto?" Jack asked sweeping his arms out to encompass the scene, "You've got the sea, beach towels, deck chairs, an umbrella, a beach ball. We're even wearing board shorts. I haven't mentioned it yet, but you are looking very cute in yours."

"Yes your right Jack," Ianto said ignoring the comment about the board shorts, "but you must admit we haven't gone very far."

"Why travel the world when there is so much fun to be had this close to home?"

"That's true Jack, but we could have gone further than the jetty outside the tourist information office. It's not exactly a holiday."

"That's just because you're not getting into the swing of things. We should go skinny dipping."

"Jack there are tourists everywhere, they're already staring." Ianto was right, looking up to the Plass Jack saw an elderly couple pointing and taking photos. The couple had mistakenly thought Jack and Ianto were some sort of living modern art instillation.

"Pft," Jack said, "We're part of Europe now." And without any perceptible movement both their board shorts were puddles on the wooden decking.

"Jack, how do you do that? I didn't even stand up." Ianto said grabbing for his board shorts, but Jack was too quick and threw them into the water below.

"Years of experience," Jack said following Ianto as he dove in after his shorts, "And only a little bit of alien technology."

Jack began to swim out into the open water of the bay.

"Jack don't go so far out," Ianto said, but could resist following, "You don't know what's out there."

"Why Ianto? Are you afraid that something is going to swim up and bite your culo?" Jack said taking the opportunity to do some dastardly things to Ianto under the water.

"What's a culo?"

"It's butt in Spanish. I'm trying to get into the beach holiday mood."

"Oh," Ianto breathed as Jack took full advantage of the situation. Kissing and touching and generally forgetting they were in the murky waters of Cardiff bay, with rain drizzling from above and waves from tour boats buffeting them from the sides. Distractedly Jack removed a plastic bag that clung to his thigh.

"Ah." he moaned.

"Ah." Ianto moaned.

"Ah." Jack moaned and then "Ahhhhhhhh!" Because something _was_ biting his culo. A great big shark.

Blood turned the water red. Ianto started to swear in Welsh and pull Jack back towards the shore. Jack just screamed until he stopped.


	2. Chapter Two – Grow a pair

**Shark Attack IV: Megalawhat?**

**Chapter Two – Grow a pair**

Sunset found Ianto huddled on a tiny patch of beach on the edge of Cardiff harbour cradling Jack in his arms. Or what was left of Jack. He had a head, a torso and arms, but most of the rest was gone, just a trail of blood, and entrails up the beach.

"Oh Jack, my immortal beloved," Ianto moaned, "That nasty shark has eaten all your best bits."

But even as he said it, torn sinew and skin began to knit back together. Bones grew out from Jack's broken body, muscles and tendons formed along Jack's new legs and finally skin appeared, smooth and new. Ianto watched in amazement when, oh, other things formed - and better than before. _That's good_, Ianto thought, _what a relief_.

Jack resurrected soon after with a gasp for life and an ear-shattering scream. "Shark!" he yelled, struggling in Ianto's embrace, "Shark, it's coming to get me."

"It's ok Jack, it's gone now," Ianto said holding him tight. Jack continued to whimper and thrash. "Jack, please stop, I'd tell you to grow a pair if I hadn't seen you do just that."

"My tummy hurts," Jack cried.

"Well no wonder," Ianto said pulling a large shark tooth out from Jack's newly formed skin. "That's one hell of a splinter."


	3. Chapter Three – Magic camera

**Shark Attack IV: Megalawhat?**

**Chapter Three – Magic camera**

"Sorry Jack," Toshiko said, "I've looked all over the interweb and I can't find a species of shark that has teeth like this. I'll post a photo on this message board and perhaps we'll have some luck."

Toshiko held the tooth in front of her digital camera and watched as the image appeared on her screen. "That was clever," Jack said, "How'd you get all the background to disappear? And you're camera isn't even plugged in."

"Alien technology," Toshiko replied her eyes shifting slightly.

...

_Author's note: I haven't written any more, but I'll write a bit more if anyone is interested. Probably not, it's a very specific audience. _


End file.
